In February we received news that there was a baby in Northwest Arkansas who needed a home. We immediately jumped at the opportunity to adopt and began preparing for our lives to change! I went into clean freak mode and spent all of spring break cleaning out every room in our house, throwing out junk, creating a garage sale pile, and joyfully making room for a baby boy to invade our world. In the midst of all this purging of unneeded stuff, I bombarded Pinterest searching for the perfect nursery theme. I pinned and pinned and pinned until I found the perfect wall color--Plumage. I know, I know. It sounds like a very stuffy purple color that your grandma would paint a room. However, it is actually a beautiful, deep teal that I just knew would be perfect for a nursery. I got it approved with my easy going husband and we set off painting!
Now, many people (including you) might say we were crazy for painting a room for a baby that we weren't even positive would come home with us. We still had two months until the baby was born and a lot could happen in two months. But even as we were painting, as I was rolling Plumage onto boring beige walls, I knew that God would be faithful. I even viewed it as a step of faith. My offering to the Lord that I trusted Him and would follow Him even in the small act of painting a room. We felt so accomplished when we were finished and so excited about filling this room with everything baby.
As it turned out, a lot did happen in those two months. The mother went into labor a month early and we spent three days in a mad dash to get anything and everything done that needed to be done to bring this baby home with us. But in the end, he didn't make that drive home down I40 with us. He stayed with his mother and we ventured home to an empty blue room.
I actually didn't even think about the room until much later the night we came home. Our sweet friends Courtney and Thomas came to see us and bring cookies of encouragement. As they were leaving, we stood in the entry way of our house which looks directly into the blue room. It took everything in me to not slam the door and sit down and cry the night away. After our friends left, Nathan gently closed the door, knowing it was what I needed at that moment.
The door to the blue room stayed closed for a few days, but eventually was opened as our lives carried on. For the first few weeks I would close it when people were coming over. I knew it would look weird when people walked in our front door and the first thing they saw was an empty blue room. I knew it wouldn't take more than ten second for the greeting to be filled with awkwardness and pity. And that's not what I wanted to experience.
As the months began to go by, as life carried on, as events went by that we had planned on doing with a baby in tow, I sought the Lord looking for answers. I never doubted that God was still in control. Even as we were told on April 13th that the mother was keeping the baby. We praised God for the opportunity and knew He was sovereign in all things. But you still wonder why. Why did every single tiny piece of the puzzle wonderfully fall into place except for that very last piece? Why did we spend two months running around like chickens with our heads cut off to meet deadlines and complete paperwork and prepare a nursery? Why did we go to all of the trouble of painting a room plumage, only for it to sit empty?
I've realized that I will never understand all of the reasons why, but the Lord is daily filling my heart with peace as He shows me little by little why He chose to do what He did with us. And the biggest reason He's revealed to us so far is that He was teaching us the reality and the meaning behind words we have known forever, but never deeply experienced:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28
This is a verse that so many of us, as believers, memorize early on and cling to in times of trouble. I've encouraged many people with it in the past and I'm sure you have too. But like so many scriptures that we read and think we know and understand, I don't think I ever truly read that verse with the bitter sweet understanding that Paul wrote it with. We are not promised "good things" in this verse. We are not promised good times, good circumstances, or good feelings. If anything, this verse has a way of reminding us that difficulty is real, struggle is inevitable, and heartbreak is oddly necessary. We see in this verse that not all things may be good, but all things work for good. Sometimes the things that God works for our good are actually very painful. Why is that?
To accomplish His purpose.
We've seen little things over the last five months that reveal God's hand in working for our good and His purpose. We've thanked Him for giving us three days with Nathan's family, who we don't get to see very often anymore. We've thanked Him for allowing us to get our feet wet in the process of adoption as preparation for the future. We've praised Him that there is one less orphan in the world because a mother decided to keep her child. We've been amazed at the friendships He's brought to us through our journey. But I've also rejoiced and lived in awe of God revealing to me my very specific role in this baby's life: For 3 days, I got to be this baby's "mother through a window".
During those three days that we spent in Northwest Arkansas, we visited the hospital several times as we met with the lawyers and waited to find out what was next. While we were there, I took up my post at the viewing window, staring at the bundle of baby wrapped so tight on the other side of the glass. I watched the nurse give him a bath, comb his hair, dress him, wrap him up, and lay him in the bassinet to go to sleep. I watched Him stretch his hands and cry a few times. I watched him lay there all by himself with no one to hold him or gawk over him. I felt angry and protective of him because he had no one in the world to love him at the moment. He was in limbo--waiting for a decision to be made about who he would grow up to be. When we found out that his mother was going to keep him, one of my first feelings was anger that she had left him in that nursery for three days by himself. With no one to rock him or hold him or love him. That bothered me for several weeks until one day God slapped me in the face and put my anger to shame. He made it very clear to me that this sweet baby boy wasn't alone for three days with no one to love him. Not only was the Lord right there with him, but so were two other people (along with a host of grandparents and two unimaginably patient lawyers) that were specifically placed in this baby's path to love him and care for him during the time that his mother was faced with a life changing decision and unable to physically care for him. For three days God allowed me to love a baby through a window until he could be fully cared for by his mother. That was my purpose. This baby will never know me, nor will his mother, but God worked all things for my good, their good, and His purpose.
So the blue room still stands in our house. It is still empty, but it is full of meaning and purpose. It stands as a reminder for us that God is using all things for our good. Not to make us happy, not to make us live an easy life, and certainly not to give us all that we want. But to be become like Him in our sufferings and fulfill His purpose that leads us to Him.
The trials and struggles that we face in life are all different. Many of you have been through pain way worse than I could ever imagine and situations far more difficult than I've ever experienced. But we all have blue rooms. Blue rooms that remind us of what we think "could have been" or "should have been." Blue rooms that ask "why?"But praise Jesus that our hope does not rest in the trials of these blue rooms! Our hope firmly rests in Christ's sacrifice, resurrection, and promise of a future eternal life with Him.
