Halloween was one of my favorite days that we've lived over the past 7 months. I, like lots of girls, have dreamed of dressing up my kids one day in adorable costumes, teaching them to trick or treat, and eating their candy after they go to bed (don't lie--you've thought about it too). When I realized that we would have not one, but three babies on Halloween I just knew we had to do a family theme for our costumes. Cheesy, I know. But they're only little once and by next year my submissive three year old may be a very opinionated 4 year old who doesn't want to join in on family themed costumes. So, we went with our sweet girl's favorite movie The Wizard of Oz and had so much fun seeing the excitement on her face and hearing her tiny voice excitedly say "Trick or trivet!!" To all of our neighbors. I know all of the child specialists would tell me to correct her mispronunciation, but I prefer to enjoy her little sayings at the moment.
Dorothy, the Yellow Brick Road, the Lion, the Scarecrow, and the Tinman.
Dorothy and the Lion loved riding in the wagon around the neighborhood. Sister kept up with the candy for brother :)
We had a wonderful time trick or treating, taking a thousand pictures, visiting the outdoor church party for a whole 20 minutes because of the freezing temperatures, and then coming home to check out all of sister's candy. A little conversation about candy, the Halloween day events, and costumes brought up a question neither Nathan, nor I, anticipated.
I made a comment about sister keeping her Dorothy costume in her dress up bucket so that she could keep it and play dress up with it as often as she wanted. This triggered a memory in her mind about playing dress up at her previous foster home. As she told us about it, we used it as an opportunity to talk about the events of her life over the last seven months like we always do, hoping to instill in her an understanding of her life little by little. But this conversation took an interesting turn when we mentioned how she used to live at the other house, but now she lives at our house. Her response? "Where am I going next?"
Where am I going next?
She didn't say it in a sad, angry, scared, or frustrated way. She had the biggest smile on her face after talking about costumes and Halloween and said it with sweet curiosity. But it stood out to us and stopped us in our tracks. Thinking about her previous home and the home she has now, it made sense in her mind to wonder which house would be her next home. We immediately explained that she wouldn't be going anywhere else next, that she was here forever, and that she would always be our little girl. She smiled and moved right along without missing a beat. I, however, still haven't moved on from that question. It has lingered in my mind and continued to roll around in my brain ever since.
Let me explain something: sister has only lived in two homes since coming into foster care--the home she lived in when she came into care and ours. She has had unprecedented stability, love, support, and care while in the system. Her first foster family is amazing and took care of her in ways that helped her catch up in all areas of her life that she was lacking. She has been in one of the best foster situations that I've ever heard of and hasn't had to endure traumatic experiences like many have because of her age and the fantastic placement she had when she was taken into care. Knowing that, it is interesting to me that she would ask a question more profound than she even realizes. That she would think she has to go somewhere else next after only moving once (that she remembers) and receiving so much love. She still wonders. It is engrained in her.
Realizing this led me to wonder: if my very happy, very loved, very stable, very young daughter who has only had uplifting experiences since being in foster care wonders where she's going next, how much more does an older child (even a year older) from harsher lifestyles who has bounced around from house to house wonder this same thing? Where am I going next? How much more do these kids live every day only partially accepting where they are as home? How much fear and anxiety do they carry around every moment just waiting to hear what their next move may be or next hurdle is to jump? The possibility (and reality) of how massive this thought process can be for some of these kids completely blows my mind and is unimaginable.
So as this year comes to a close, as you reflect on 2014, prepare for 2015, and set goals for the coming year, I ask that you consider this: what can you do to help a child that asks the question "where am I going next?" I pray that you would consider opening your home to one of them. That you would look into fostering or adopting and not run away like I did for a whole year. If you are unable to open your home because of other circumstances going on in your life then I pray that you would seek out opportunities to be involved. Become certified for respite care (babysitting), volunteer for some of our local organizations who are passionate about serving our kids, donate funds to help support these children, or dedicate yourself to pray for them. Because whether they are in the best situation or the worst, they all wonder: Where am I going next?
