Before the Beauty

Tonight I had the joy and privilege of watching my little blonde hair, blue eyed princess jump and spin, twirl and prance, and giggle through an hour of dance class. Her little three year old self could not be more adorable when it comes to this dance class. When I reminded her this morning that it was dance class Monday, she simply responded, "But I already did that yesterday (which is her way of saying last week)." Who knew she'd be perfectly content with just going to one class?? So of course she was pretty surprised and excited to get to go back again. She doesn't know what she's doing all of the time, but she is an amazing type A rule follower, so she sticks with the teacher. Her attempt at a forward roll is the highlight of the gymnastics portion of the class and always leaves us at the edge of our seats wondering if she's going to make it over this time! To see her run and laugh and smile from ear to ear is one of the most beautiful moments of our Monday's.

After we got home it was down to business with bath time, bottles, jammies, bedtime stories, and goodnight kisses for three little babies. Nathan and I have figured out a pretty good system for these nightly routines and if we time it right we can usually squeeze in some one-on-one time with either of our two big kids before they're off to bed. Tonight I got to rock my big little man while he had his bedtime bottle. This is quite a treat for me considering that he has gotten so big so fast and rarely wants to sit still for any amount of time. But tonight he let me rock him and he so sweetly stared at me right in the eyes. His big blue eyes just stared and stared and his chubby little hand waved in the air to catch a piece of my hair that was hanging down. I would have loved to have rocked him all night long.

It was both of these moments combined with seeing pictures and hearing stories of other children like my own that got me to thinking about this thing that you've heard us talk about so much lately: adoption. 

In our home adoption is a beautiful thing. We have looked forward to it with such hope and anticipation. It has brought us two of our beautiful children along with many happy moments that will live on in my memory forever. It has formed our family, it has transformed our family, and it has blessed us more than I could ever describe in words. But have you ever thought about adoption before the beauty? Before the hype, the excitement, the new family, the new names, the celebration? Before the new memories, the growing relationships, and the new normal? Before the beauty there was destruction.

This was a reoccurring thought to me tonight as I cherished the looks, laughs, and precious moments with my babies. In order to get to where we are now, my kids had to experience the destruction of their original family. They don't remember it and never will because of their young age, but it happened nonetheless. Somewhere along the way something went wrong and the life they were born into crumbled and ceased to exist. They were pulled from a family, placed in a new family, and in 29 days will officially be given new names that carry with them a completely new life. For so long I have looked forward to that day with excitement that could not be contained. But tonight I have felt a different emotion: sadness. Sadness for a man and a woman who brought my children into this world but will never be mom and dad to them. They will never see the clumsy forward roll that my little girl stumbles through in gymnastics class. They will never see the look of amazement when she hears the sounds that come from her tap shoes. They will never get to ew and aw over her twirls in her pink frilly ballet skirt. They will never get to stare into the beautiful blue eyes of my baby boy. Or see him crawl across the floor like a big boy. They will never get to feel the heartwarming joy of watching the bond these two have even at a young age. They've lost all of these things. Forever. They'll never get them back. And they will never fully grasp all that they have lost.

Tonight my heart hurts for the destruction that comes before the beauty. For the loss that comes before the gain. Because somewhere out there these people exist. They're missing the beauty. They're missing the moments that I am cherishing. And that is heartbreaking.

Can I ask you to pray for them? Can I beg you to pray for those who have not yet lost custody of their children, but could be close? Would you consider lifting up those who are working to change their lives in order to bring their babies back home? We can be very quick to judge these situations. I always have been. But these are real people, real kids, and real lives at stake. Pray for redemption. Pray for healing. Pray that the destruction will be overcome.

 I am thankful that God makes all things beautiful. He has given me two amazing children through the beauty of adoption. But there are those out there who may not ever have to experience what comes before the beauty if we would simply pray that God almighty would rescue them from themselves.