Forgetting God

The week before Christmas, God laid something on my heart that really convicted me more than anything has lately. I was in a really weird state of mind, kind of going through the motions and feeling distant in a lot of ways, but especially distant from God. This was so odd to me because the past month had been the most amazing month of my life: I got engaged, Nathan and I both celebrated birthdays, I finished up school very successfully, I was able to spend a whole lot of time with my family, I was becoming even more aware of how surrounded I was by people who cared about me, and it was Christmastime. I had been completely surrounded by blessings and gifts of joy, yet I felt distant and confused as to why I was so withdrawn from God, why I wasn't spending time in His Word like I usually do, why I didn't feel His presence the way I thought I should. There was no reason not to--life was moving forward with wedding plans and anticipation of becoming a wife and planning my dream wedding and my dream life with my best friend. However, my spiritual life could easily be evaluated by looking through my journal and seeing that I had not written in it in 17 days. Now, I am a journaler. I have a journal for everything and usually keep 3 or 4 going at a time. I don't like to miss out on anything because I always want to remember everything. So to see that I had not written in 17 days was a very big deal. I sat and looked at that journal and wondered what was going on with me. God had blessed me immeasurably more than I could have ever asked or imagined. And then it hit me: What have I done in return?

I sat and thought about myself for a few minutes. My focus over that past month had been given to other things. I had glanced away from God and taken a more me-centered focus. But this thought puzzled me even more: How could I feel so far away from God when He was obviously right in the middle of my life, orchestrating the most beautiful days I've ever had. Of course, moments of confusion and discouragement like these tend to make us look at our salvation and question where we stand. I know without a shadow of a doubt that these are moments when Satan attempts to weazle his way in and feed us lies. I quickly thanked God that He had indeed saved me and forgiven me for my failures, even the failures I was experiencing at that very moment. However, this didn't answer my questions of why I was standing where I was. I felt awkward as I attempted to ask God and seek out His answers. Awkward like the awkwardness between two friends who haven't talked in a while. I wasn't sure if God was ok with me talking to Him or if I even deserved to be spending time with Him. But, I knew in my heart that nothing could separate me from Him. He looks at me through blood-stained eyes to see a white as snow, innocent girl. So, despite my hesitance, I dove right in and spent the most refreshing 2 hours with Him. This 2 hours began with a text message from a very inspirational girl from our youth group.

Earlier in the night Katie Hansen had sent me a nightly verse and piece of encouragement. I had gotten busy and never sat down to read it. So as I pulled my Bible and Journal out, I opened her God-ordained message that included the following words of wisdom:

"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." Hosea 13:6...."Francis Chan said, ' It's easy to fill ourselves up with other things and then give God whatever is left.' He is so right! Don't give God the scraps!"

I couldn't have been more thankful for Katie and the way God was speaking to her heart and through her heart in that moment. He gave her those words and knew that she would not keep them to herself, but share them so that those closest to her would not forget the Lord. In that one verse, in that one quote, in that one piece of encouragement from Katie, God answered prayers for understanding that I hadn't even muttered, myself. I finally understood what I had been doing: I had been so wrapped up in the good things going on and the good things I was doing that I had forgotten God. My Creator, Savior, and Redeemer...I had forgotten Him. Now, don't get me wrong, all of the blessings and joys I was experiencing were and still are amazing gifts that I cherish! I simply wasn't looking at the giver of those Gifts. I began to understand that He given me exactly what I wanted and needed and I was satisfied. But finding satisfaction brought pride as I consciously or sub-consciously began relying on myself for things I couldn't do. The good things, the blessings, the joys made me appear to not need Him. And I forgot Him. This is why it had been so easy for me to fill myself with other things and spend my time doing everything I wanted, leaving little to no time or relationship for Him. I had been giving Him my lowest of low scraps.

I began exploring that verse from Hosea and ended up in Deuteronomy where similar words were spoken:

"When the Lord your God brings you into the land He swore to your fathers, 

to Abraham, Isaac and jacob, to give you--a land with large, 

flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good 

things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and 

vineyards and olive groves you did not plant--then when you eat 

and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who 

brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery." 

--Deuteronomy 6:10-12

God had given me provision after provision that I did not plant, create or plan. I had had nothing to do with providing myself with all of these sources of joy. It had been all God. However, I wasn't prepared when they came and I forgot about Him. I forgot to give all of the praise and the focus to Him. I forgot to keep relying on Him even in the most wonderful times. No matter how good those days were or how full of joys and blessings I was, I still needed Him. Even at my greatest, I am still weak and hopeless without Him. 

The reminders continued as I read on into Deuteronomy 8 where many of the same things were said plus more. And that specific chapter was even entitled "Do Not Forget the Lord." In this section, God talks about how He had lead His people through all things and provided for them and revealed to them that "man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord (8:3)." I do not live on human means alone, but on every one of His words. This is what He intended: for me to follow Him and rely on Him entirely, without holding back. Even on the good days. And then He continued by telling me that I should obey His commands and revere Him because He is carrying me to a good land and is ready to provide all that I need. He warns me in these verses to praise Him for all the good He has done or else I will take ownership of the good, forget Him, replace Him with other things, and experience my own destruction. And I sure do believe Him in this and know that if He felt like I needed to learn this more concretely, He would step in and make it happen. 

So my prayer since that day has been that God would help me to fix my eyes on Him and pull me close to Him as I turn from my cluttered focus and center in on Him. I pray that I will look to Him always as good things come because He has told me that all good things come from Him. And even when life is more full than ever, even when I feel better than I ever have, I still need Him. I have come to realize that just like many other convictions I feel, it is a choice I have to make each morning as I wake up to turn to Him FIRST. That is a choice I want to make every day so that day by day I can be more like Him, looking to Him and not forgetting Him.